and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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