I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
