dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
