1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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