How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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