Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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