there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just high enough for therapy.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
