you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
