your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
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