This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
