I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
