once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
