i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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