it was like his penis was on wheels.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
