Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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