i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
