Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize