so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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