can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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