i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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