sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wish there were birth control emojis
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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