if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
