My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
