Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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