I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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