Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
No stitches, just platelets and will power
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
