so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
