guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
