That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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