ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize