He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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