whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
