So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
