go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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