I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
