ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
