Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
And then my night got REAL pukey
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
