you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
