dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
