remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
