one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
