omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
