my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
