I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
