i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
