He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
