Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
