Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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