So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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