I smell stomach acid.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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