The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
