Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
