yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
