The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Small penises have feelings too.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
