I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Sober January is a disaster.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
