hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Randomize
