i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
