I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
