i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
