Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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