i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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